Back with a vengence

Saw the new Batman movie tonight (finally, I know) ...note to self: watching scary crazy people on screen is not pleasant, though entertaining.

Here's an entertaining scenario: me, at a tanning bed...that is having a crisis.

Okay, a little background: I've never been to a tanning bed. In fact, for most of my life I have shunned tanning-bed goers with the self-righteousness of the very pale. Although, admittedly it could be a little bit of jealousy...since I used to look like an adopted Mexican child in my family, but went through a "not leaving the house" phase and lost my natural tan. So, here I am with an outdoors job this summer that has left me with a very tan upper body and extremely pale legs. I am two-toned, my friends...and by "two-toned" I mean, if you took a picture of me and cut it in half, you would not identify my legs as belonging to my body. AND that's what brought me to Palmetto Tan - a serious need to have my legs match the rest of me.

That Having Been Said. My first, nervous visit to the tanning bed was not destined to be peaceful. I strode up to the door and cautiously checked the hours - not open on Labor Day. darn. With a little d. As I peered around the door, the girl at the counter didn't look up, clearly busy with the red-necked client trying to hide beneath his baseball cap as he filled out the "new client" form. I stood awkwardly at the desk for a few minutes, taking in the pee-scented room and the various tanning lotions and products lining the walls. Gee, I didn't realize how many artistic manifestations there could be of the sun.

Finally, the girl looked up - "What can I do for you?"
I shifted uncomfortably, avoiding her eyes, but finally managed, "Well...I've never been here before" Her immediate chuckle/sigh and eye roll made me laugh nervously and shift my weight from one foot to another. She pulled out a small chart-pad, ripped off the first page and smacked it on the counter in front of me. "Do you have an ID?" She was glancing over the redneck's form as she spoke, clearly not expecting a response.

The man left for one of the rooms lining the hallway, and I had the girl's undivided attention. Well, sort of. "This damn computer won't work - it stopped working this morning, and...UHHHGGHH I think I'm going to have to replace it." I gave what I thought was my best concerned look (eyebrows brought to center, mouth scrunched into a "hmm") and tried to remember what a normal person would do in this situation. Scratch that, what would my mom do in this situation? Make a suggestion. Right. But what the hell do I know about computers? Nothing. Viruses. I guess. "Did you do a virus scan?" I asked helpfully, and it was apparently enough to keep the conversation going, "I've done everything" heavy sigh "even that woman" she gestured wildly "oh nevermind." Since I was unable to adequately mask my disinterest she moved on to the subject at hand - my new membership to the establishment in which we were idling.

As the girl rushed through the explanations of each package, "That Woman" came out of door #2. Wearing a dress resembling a jean jumpsuit that covered her large frame, and a haircut the Beatles would be ashamed of, That Woman was clearly a frequent visitor to Palmetto Tan. And She Had An Opinion.
And She Had An Opinion.
As That Woman dictated solutions for the girl's computer woes, I snuck into door #2. and stood there. The girl finally got a minute, grabbed her sanitizer bottle and quickly sprayed down the bakin' bed for me. Uttered some rushed instructions, which I had her repeat. twice. And still didn't get it. But I consider myself relatively smart, and I figured I'd simply read the labels on under the buttons and make do. It would have been a poor choice had I had an alternative.

Being that my legs are so pale (as discussed above) the girl suggested I flip around ainsi que my legs would be getting the more intense rays meant for my face. okay. but the fan buttons, etc, are on that side. Okay. So I undressed and got in (after hitting the start button on the wall and locating a pair of those eye-goggle things people get made fun of for all the time). I lay there for a second. Well. Do I just sit here? I guess I should close the lid. Man, am I supposed to adjust the fans with my toes? Geez it's hot in here. Okay, deep breath, you can do this. Eight minutes. You can do this. For normalcy's sake, you can do this. Oh! There're the fans. Okay, good. *Mental slap* don't look at the lights. Sleep, okay sleep. Man it's been a while - don't think about Final Destination. See it still lifts. Geez my bum feels like it's on fire. Well the girl said it would get hot. She was right. Okay, can't be long now. Okay...Okay...yeah. BUZZZZZ
And suddenly I could hear the overplayed pop radio station again. I was out and applying lotion. More tanner lotion. Yeah. Gotta have it, right?

I finally got dressed again, and as I emerged from door #2, there were no fewer than 5 people gathered around the malfunctioning hardware. "How was it?" the girl asked with a knowing grin. "It was, uh...good" I stuttered. "Okay, well, you're all set. See you later" "Okay...uh...thanks." I sort of shuffle-stepped to the door and pulled it open.

Well. I have learned my lesson: semper ubi sub-ubi. How bout you latin scholars try that one on for size? HA.